Let’s talk about chronic pain
My hands hurt. Pretty much all the time. As I type this, I can feel the pain shooting down my fingers, and yet I continue. My rheumatoid arthritis makes my hands hurt and my feet hurt and well, basically everything hurt. People have told me, I didn’t realize rheumatoid arthritis was so debilitating. And maybe it’s not for some people. Maybe others have it under control. But for me, and anyone else who suffers from chronic pain, it is a big deal, and it affects my quality of life. One of the hardest things about suffering from chronic pain is that people don’t understand what it’s like, so I hope this article can either help you feel less alone or help you start to understand what it’s like experiencing chronic pain every single day.
It’s painful
One of the main features of chronic pain is well, pain. That may seem obvious, but I don’t think some people realize how painful chronic pain can be. Pain is a hard thing to describe and empathize with because you can’t feel someone else’s pain. The best way I can describe it is when my rheumatoid arthritis is particularly bad, I feel like I got hit by a truck when I wake up in the morning. I can’t move any of my joints without causing pain. My hands are throbbing. My feet are throbbing. It feels absolutely impossible to move my body and get up. Sometimes the pain is so bad, there’s tears in my eyes.
It’s chronic
Another somewhat obvious yet critically important part of chronic pain is the chronic part. Chronic pain isn’t a one-time thing where it hurts and then you get over it. No matter what you do and how hard you try, chronic pain keeps coming back over and over again. One of my biggest pet peeves when I tell people that I’m in pain is them asking me what happened. Um, my chronic illness happened? That’s why us chronic pain sufferers often keep our pain to ourselves because it’s easier than trying to explain that our pain will never go away.
It’s exhausting
When you are in pain all the time, you will inevitably be exhausted. Fatigue often coincides with chronic pain and makes the pain even worse. Just imagine carrying around a heavy backpack all the time that’s constantly weighing on you and bringing you down. That’s what it feels like carrying around chronic pain. Not to mention the exhaustion of pretending to be fine all the time to friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. I just smile and pretend like I’m not in pain because it’s easier that way.
It’s limiting
My chronic pain limits me. I can’t do all the things I want to do because of my chronic pain. I can barely sit for an hour or two in one position without feeling extremely stiff and like I can’t move my body. I can only do so much activity using my hands before the throbbing becomes unbearable. My feet hurt so much that walking even short distances is a challenge. I can’t even do all the yoga poses that I want to do because it hurts my hands and feet. I’m only 30 years old, and I feel like my body is elderly by its inability to do the things I want it to do.
It’s frustrating
If you experience chronic pain, you most likely experience some type of chronic illness. And with most chronic pain and chronic illnesses, diagnoses are not easy to come by. It can take many years to diagnose why someone is experiencing chronic pain, and some people go their whole lives without a diagnosis. This leads to a litany of doctors, tests and medications, trying to figure out what’s wrong with you and any sort of treatment that will help. I’ve done it all, seeing a chiropractor, physical therapy, massage therapy, muscle relaxers, x-rays, MRIs, trigger point therapy, every medication under the sun it feels like, the list goes on and on. When you don’t find a cure or treatment for your chronic pain, this process can be incredibly frustrating.
It’s invalidating
When you have chronic pain, no one believes you that it’s that bad. I have been to so many doctors that told me my pain isn’t real, and it’s all in my head. I have never felt so dismissed or invalidated as doctor after doctor told me it was psychological and that they couldn’t do anything about it. As well-meaning as friends and family can be, they can also invalidate your experience by not grasping how bad it really is for you every single day.
It’s depressing
With chronic pain, there is little hope. Many chronic illnesses that are the cause of chronic pain have no cure; you can only manage the symptoms. That means that no matter what you do, you will always still be in pain. Maybe once you find the right treatment for you, you can be in less pain, but the chronic pain will always be there. Looming overhead, like a dark cloud of depression. Even if there is a sliver of hope that the pain will be reduced, it’s hard to embrace it when you’ve tried so many things before that haven’t worked.
It’s isolating
Chronic pain is also extremely isolating. I feel like no one understands what I’m going through, as they really can’t without firsthand experiencing the pain themselves. Because it’s so exhausting living in chronic pain all the time and explaining to others what it’s like, I just choose not to bring others in and keep to myself. I don’t bring up my pain every day, even though I have it every day, so others aren’t aware of what I experience. Isolation is dangerous for those with chronic pain, though, because it can worsen depression and thoughts of self-harm.
It’s life-changing
Chronic pain really does change your life. I could say that chronic pain has made me more resilient and a stronger person, but I don’t really believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What hasn’t killed me has weakened me and almost killed me. I wouldn’t wish chronic pain on my worst enemy. I am not proud to be a chronic pain sufferer, but I am proud for having survived it so far because it really is a lifelong battle. Every day is a struggle, and every day I deserve a goddamn medal just for making it through.
