Let’s talk about weight gain
I haven’t always been a “bigger” girl. Back in high school, I ran cross country, and I was average-sized if not straight up skinny. Looking at old pictures, I barely recognize myself. My arms, my face, everything was just so much smaller. I’m not that girl anymore. Now I am the big girl, the plus-size girl, the girl who can’t find clothes to wear because the sizes don’t go up large enough. And I don’t feel great about that.
Going to college
My first experience with gaining considerable weight was going to college. The “freshman fifteen” was commonplace for college freshmen, adding 15 pounds because of access to the school cafeterias. I gained easily more than 15 pounds in college not so much because of the school cafeterias, but because of stress and anxiety. In college was when I discovered I had a problem with anxiety and that it was impacting my daily life. Eating was easier than dealing with the root cause of my anxiety.
My first job out of college
Fast forward to my first job out of college, and the stress didn’t stop there. At the time, work was my identity, and I spent all day working so hard that I was exhausted by the evening. I started experiencing chronic back pain due to stress and anxiety. My first experience with chronic pain made it so I didn’t want to get out and move my body because I was in so much pain. That led to a sedentary lifestyle focused on sitting at a computer and you guessed it, more weight gain.
Mental health medication
In the fall of 2020, I started to realize my depression was getting out of control, and I needed to explore the idea of mental health medication. I went to my first psychiatrist appointment and got prescribed my first antidepressant. A very common side effect of mental health medication is weight gain. It’s one of the reasons I avoided taking it so long because I knew weight gain was a depression trigger for me.
When I was on one medication, it increased my appetite, so I would overeat and then feel horrible about myself. That was a recipe for disaster, so I quickly got off that medication. While my current medications don’t cause increased appetite, I still have gained a significant amount of weight over the last three years, some of which I attribute to my mental health medication.
Chronic pain
Probably one of the most impactful reasons I’ve gained weight the past three years is my chronic pain. I started out in December 2020 going to a chiropractor for neck pain, and nearly three years and dozens of tests and medications later, I’m injecting myself with medication for rheumatoid arthritis. I know that my sedentary lifestyle due to working at a computer all day plus being in pain all the time has contributed significantly to my weight gain. Some days I can barely get out of bed because of my chronic pain, which doesn’t lend itself to an active and healthy lifestyle.
Depression
I think I haven’t fully grasped how much my depression has caused me to gain weight. When I’m depressed, I find it difficult to get out of bed. Some days, I stay in bed all day and barely move except to let the dogs out and to go to the bathroom. It can feel impossible to do anything, much less try to eat well and exercise. When I’m in a depressive episode, I’m focused on surviving, and that’s how it should be, but it doesn’t leave much space for healthy habits to develop.
How do I feel about my weight gain?
Um, not great. I mentioned earlier that weight gain is a depression trigger for me, and it makes me feel bad about myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t feel great about how I look. In fact, I try to actively avoid mirrors, so I don’t have to see myself. One of the worst triggers for me is seeing pictures of myself that other people took because I think to myself, Wow, that’s what I look like to other people? Omg, I look awful. It starts a spiral of negative self-talk and one that is hard to get out of.
The crazy thing about weight gain and depression for me is that it’s a never-ending cycle. I’m depressed, so I gain weight, then I’m depressed about gaining weight, so I gain more weight, and the cycle continues. I wish I had a happy ending for you, like I gained all this weight, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Or I gained all this weight, and now it’s motivated me to get in shape. But that’s not how my depression works. I expect that I will always struggle with weight gain as long as I’m depressed, and I don’t think my depression is ending anytime soon.
If there’s any bit of hope I can leave you with, just know that you are not alone if you are experiencing weight gain, depression or chronic pain. There are lots of us out there going through it; we just don’t talk about it. While weight gain has been a difficult subject for me to address, especially publicly, I hope you either feel a little less alone or can better empathize with those in your life experiencing weight gain.
