Putting yourself first: selfish or healthy?
When was the last time you put yourself first? If you can’t remember, you may be like many women today who are always putting themselves last. Whether it be at work or in your personal life, putting yourself first can be difficult. The excuses are plentiful. For example:
I can’t ask for that job now because there wouldn’t be anyone to replace me.
I don’t have the time for any of my hobbies because I have to take care of the house.
I can’t put myself first because my family’s needs are more important than mine.
Now let me start by clarifying two things:
1. I am 100% guilty of making all these excuses. In fact, I might be the queen of putting myself last, which is what inspired me to write this article. I have made all the excuses of why I shouldn’t put myself first and why it’s not important to take care of myself.
2. Life is a balancing act. I’m not saying you should ignore your work’s or family’s needs and only focus on yourself. You have to take other people’s needs into account when making decisions; however, if you are only taking other people’s needs into account and not your own, this is an extremely dangerous trajectory. You may not notice it right away, but over time, you may find yourself slowing disappearing until you no longer recognize yourself.
To address the main question of this article, is it selfish or healthy to put yourself first? In short, it depends on the situation. However, I would argue that 95% of the time, it is healthy to put yourself first. Some people may find this to be a controversial opinion, especially those with families. But I truly believe you are going to be the best version of yourself if you dedicate time and energy to self-care.
You are going to be the best employee, partner, parent and friend if you are first happy with yourself.
What does “putting yourself first” mean?
Putting yourself first can come in a variety of forms, depending on the situation. In a professional context, putting yourself first might be asking for a promotion. In a personal context, it might be taking the time for yourself to do something you really enjoy, such as taking a bike ride or writing a blog. For each person, what it means to put yourself first will be different, so what I do to put myself first may not be the same things you do to put yourself first. Regardless of the specific methods for putting yourself first, it’s all something we need to do more.
Now I think one of the reasons we don’t put ourselves first is because of the negative connotation it has in society. When I picture a woman putting herself first, for example, I think of her missing her kid’s school recital for work. Women in particular are demonized in society for being working mothers if they put their careers above their families while they try to “have it all.” I hate to burst your bubble, but women can’t “have it all.” By that, I mean, you can’t be 100% dedicated to your family, work and yourself. I’m no math whiz, but even I realize those numbers don’t add up.
By choosing to go to work, you are giving up some time with your kids. By choosing to go to your child’s recital, you are giving up some time spent on your career. And that’s okay. Life is a balancing act. You have to prioritize what’s most important to you in each specific situation. And that doesn’t make you a bad employee if you choose your children or a bad mother if you choose your career in that particular situation.
In this entire example, I’ve only talked about putting your career or family first, not putting yourself first. As illustrated by my own example, there is a common misconception that putting yourself first means putting your work above your family. But that isn’t putting yourself first; that’s putting your work first.
Putting yourself first is such a foreign concept to many that it can be difficult to come up with examples. Also, like I mentioned previously, putting yourself first is unique to the person, so it’s hard to say if you do X, Y and Z, that means you are putting yourself first because each person’s experiences are different. Additionally, putting yourself first is situational. Depending on the situation, it may or may not make sense to put yourself first.
Even though putting yourself first is such a vague concept, I’m going to go through some concrete examples from my life to give you an idea of when you should and shouldn’t put yourself first. My experiences are unique to me, but hopefully they illustrate some broader themes that others might also experience and relate to. I’ll go through personal examples in both a professional and personal context, so you can see how putting yourself first affects every aspect of your life.
One final caveat I’d like to make before diving into these personal examples is what putting yourself first IS NOT. It’s not ignoring everyone else’s needs besides your own. It doesn’t mean you should just ignore what your work needs you to get done because they haven’t given you a promotion. It doesn’t mean you should just ignore what your family needs and never take care of the house or the kids. That is the “selfish” kind of putting yourself first that I’m not advocating. I’m advocating for a “healthy” putting yourself first, which is a lot harder to achieve because it takes not only identifying your needs but also taking the time to focus on meeting them.
Putting yourself first at work
There are a number of ways you can put yourself first at work. The first step of putting yourself first at work is identifying your career goals. Now this doesn’t have to be specific if you don’t know the exact position you want. However, you have to identify some goal you are working toward; otherwise, you will always be stuck in your current position if you aren’t striving to go somewhere. For example, for me, I really have no idea where I’m going to end up career-wise in terms of a specific field or position. I like the management aspect of my job, but I also love writing and editing. While I’m not sure where I’m going to end up exactly, I have identified the goal of wanting to manage a much larger team. And in wanting to achieve that goal, I have identified what I need in order to get there, which is the second step of putting yourself first at work.
Identifying your professional needs is extremely important in putting yourself first at work. In my particular situation, in order to move up and manage a larger team, I need to delegate more and stop doing so much of the day-to-day proposal work, which is something I am actively working on. Once you have identified your career goals and your needs to get there, you need to voice both of these things to management, step three of putting yourself first at work. If your manager doesn’t know you are working toward a goal or have specific needs in order to get there, they aren’t going to be able to support you as effectively. If you are open and honest with management about your goals, they will not only be able to support you but also even be able to help you achieve your goals. For example, in my particular situation, because I have been very vocal about my desire to manage, my management gave me the opportunity to become proposal manager when my former boss left. If I hadn’t voiced my goals, my manager would have never known to offer me the position, and I would have missed out on a career-changing opportunity.
Now that I’ve gone through the three main steps of putting yourself first at work (1. Identify your career goals, 2. Identify what you need to get there and 3. Voice your goals/needs to management), let’s go through some specific examples where these steps might come into play.
For example, when my team has been busy, I have had to step in and assist with proposal work and coordinate proposals myself. This isn’t in line with my needs to delegate in order to meet my career goal of managing a larger team. However, sometimes for the short-term, it’s okay to make sacrifices when things need to get done. The proposals need to get done, and it’s my job as a manager to step in and help when needed, even if it contradicts my career plan.
Another example is the administrative work that I do, such as overseeing our member recognition program and updating distribution lists. Doing this kind of work isn’t going to help me advance my career, but it has to get done, so I’m okay with being a team player and doing it in the short term. In both of these examples, while the specific tasks weren’t in line with my career goals, I demonstrated my ability to be a team player and jump in and get things done.
Here’s the thing: being a team player is a great asset to have. You build a lot of strong relationships that way, and you establish yourself as a resource other people can count on when they need to get something done. In fact, this team player mentality may lead you to your next opportunity if you are willing to raise your hand and take on the next challenge.
However, being a team player becomes problematic when you are only a team player. If you always jump in to do tasks that are not in line with your career plan, yes, you might be helping the business, but you are not helping yourself. Everyone is going to love working with you because you pick up all the slack, but you are not going to progress your career where you want it to go. You are going to find yourself a few years down the road wondering how you got there and why you didn’t take charge of your career and make the big moves that would propel it forward.
It’s okay to be a team player and not put yourself first in the short term. Sometimes things just need to get done, and not everything you do is going to line up perfectly with directly progressing your career. However, if you don’t put yourself first in the long term, you will never be able to reach your full potential. In my example of jumping in to do proposals, I have voiced to my management that I am happy to do this in the short term, but this is not a long-term fix because it’s not in line my career goals. In my other example of doing administrative work, I’ve also voiced to management my concerns, and we are working on a plan to fix it. Had I not said anything, management would have never known these concerns; that’s why step 3 of voicing your career goals/needs to management is more important than ever.
Communicating with management is critical in executing your goals. For one, when they know about them, they can help you achieve them. For me, I’ve never had any trouble being open and honest with management about what I’m thinking, but I know it’s not so easy for everyone. Especially if you are looking to move to a different group or even company, it may not be easy to have that conversation. You may even put it off because you want to avoid confrontation or think the group will never be able to survive without you, so you couldn’t possibly leave. That’s another example of putting the business before yourself. The business will survive if you move up or join another group or leave the company.
You need to make you and your career path a priority, not the business.
In keeping the line of communication open with management, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want – whether it be a new position or promotion. Of course, you need to demonstrate your value throughout your everyday work, but when you feel you are ready/deserving for the next step, ask for it. No one is going to hand you anything in life; you have to go out there and get it. Promotions are no exception. You probably think someone is going to notice your great work and just promote you. That might happen in some instances, but it is probably way later than it should have had you asked for it in the first place. No one is looking out for you besides yourself, so take responsibility for your own career and its progression.
Part of that responsibility means realizing when you need to move on. Not every manager is going to be completely receptive and supportive of your career plan. They have things they need to get done, too, so your career aspirations might not fit into their group. I have a couple of suggestions for this. For one, utilize as many other resources/contacts/mentors that you have. They might be able to help you navigate the situation and figure out a way to make it work. For two, realize when it’s time to walk away. When you have voiced your career goals/needs to management and they aren’t on board with them, sometimes you just have to cut your losses. If you are constantly stuck in that team player mode where all you are doing is work that doesn’t progress your career and your management isn’t helping you fix that, you need to find the courage to leave and find another role or company. It is scary starting over, but you need to put your career goals/needs and yourself first in order for you to feel truly fulfilled professionally.
One final note I’d like to touch on regarding putting yourself first at work is that you have to strike a healthy work-life balance. If you are constantly checking your work emails outside of business hours and working ridiculous late nights and weekends, this is going to take a toll on you. Maybe this is part of your career plan to put in the extra time to progress your career, but it really isn’t healthy to put your career above all else. I will admit I am 100% guilty of this myself. I get myself worked up into thinking I have to do everything and do everything perfectly that it begins to affect my mental and even physical health. I let the stress and anxiety impact the rest of my life, which I go into more detail in one of my other articles, How My Anxiety Has Both Helped and Hurt My Career. Realize it’s okay to step away from your phone or computer and enjoy other things in life. Taking time away from work for yourself will actually benefit all because you’ll come back refreshed and be more productive in the end.
No job is worth jeopardizing your health for, so please make yourself and your mental health a priority.
Putting yourself first in your personal life
Here’s where I may get a little controversial. In your personal relationships, you should put yourself first as well. Yes, I am talking about putting yourself first in your relationships with your significant others, children and friends. Let’s first talk about romantic relationships – whether that be your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, etc. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that when you love someone, you put their feelings above your own, which is fine to a certain extent. But when you put your partner first in all situations, that’s where it can become extremely dangerous.
If you put your partner first all the time, you are going to end up changing your life and yourself for that matter to fit your partner’s needs. There is such a thing as healthy changes and self-improvement, but when you change who you are just for someone else, you are going to lose what makes you unique and probably what your partner fell in love with in the first place. With everything in life, it is a balancing act. So there are times where you will have to put your partner first and vice versa. But it’s important in romantic relationships to make sure you do put yourself first at least some of the time, so you maintain who you are as an individual. If you are a strong, independent person with your own vibrant personality, you will be just that much more attractive and lovable to your partner. So take the time to put yourself first and do the things you love, even if your partner may not like doing them. Go do yoga or browse used bookstores, whatever your fancy.
Don’t lose who you are because you never put yourself first.
Even as a parent, I think you should put yourself first. Out of context, this sounds absolutely horrible. No, I’m not saying you should ignore your kids’ needs and never take care of them. What I’m saying is that while parenting is going to be the main focus of your life for at least 18 years, you shouldn’t only be a parent. Your entire identity shouldn’t revolve around your kids.
Full disclosure, I’m not a mother yet, but I’d like to be someday. So yes, you can say I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m not a parent yet, but I know the kind of parent I want to be. When you have other things in your life outside of parenting, such as work or hobbies, you are setting an example for your kids. You are showing them that they can also do other things with their lives besides just be parents. Now there is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom or dad, but even those parents have other things they do for themselves outside of parenting, such as hobbies. While parenting is going to be your main focus, it is important to put yourself first sometimes. You’ll actually be a better parent if you do because you’ll be a happier person overall.
The same advice holds up for your friendships as well. If you are always putting your friends’ needs first and doing things for them rather than for yourself, you might find yourself in an unhealthy friendship. They might not have asked you to do that, so it’s important to reevaluate your friendships to make sure you are both getting what you need out of the relationship. If you take time for yourself, you will end up being a better friend, just like you will also be a better employee, partner and parent.
One final point I’d like to make is that you should never feel guilty for putting yourself first and taking time for yourself. It’s not selfish to put yourself first. It’s not only “okay” to take time for yourself, but it’s actually the healthiest thing for you and everyone in your life. You will be happier and more fulfilled overall, which will make you a better employee, partner, parent and friend. So stop making excuses for not putting yourself first. Make self-care and yourself a priority, and you’ll be amazed the difference it makes in leading a happy and fulfilling life.
