How fear of failure limits your potential

I am 25 years old, and I don’t know how to ride a bike. Now I’m sure you’re wondering how that’s even possible, but I promise you it’s true. How did that even happen? I was and am still afraid. I didn’t learn how to ride a bike when I was too young to know not to be afraid, so when I got older, I knew the potential consequences. I knew I could fall off and get hurt, so I let the fear of failure stop me. While not being able to ride a bike is a silly example, it illustrates a larger point about how fear of failure can limit your potential. Had I just gotten on that bike and not let my fear control me, I would be able to ride a bike today. Who knows how my life would be different had I been able to ride a bike? Even now, my fear limits my possibilities because I can’t go for a bike ride for exercise or just to have a fun time with a friend. I let my fear of failure limit my potential.

Now I am a generally fearful person. From spiders and heights to not being good enough and ending up alone, I have a lot of fears. There’s not anything inherently wrong with being afraid if you don’t let it affect your life. But when you let your fears stop you from doing things, that’s where it becomes dangerous. When you let your fear control your life, you’re closing yourself off to possibilities and potential. I’ve missed out on so much because I’ve been afraid to try and fail. Especially at 25, I don’t want to fall off a bike and look like an idiot, right? Maybe I would fall off if I tried to ride a bike, but at least I would be trying. I wouldn’t be limiting myself just because of a little fear.

In this article, I explore where my fear of failure comes from and how it’s affected my life. I go through what failure is and isn’t, how it’s dangerous and limits your potential and how we can all take steps to overcome it. This article is largely based on my experiences and the origin of my fear of failure, so it may not apply to everyone. Regardless, I hope you can still find some useful tidbits of advice throughout and maybe even learn how to take back the power if you are letting fear of failure run your life, too.

Where does fear of failure come from?

My fear of failure comes from my perfectionism. If you aren’t a perfectionist, thank your lucky stars because it’s a terrible curse. Let me take you into the mind of a perfectionist for a minute, so you can understand how perfectionism breeds fear of failure.

Perfectionists believe that everything has to be perfect, so they spend endless hours fretting over the smallest of details. They don’t want to make mistakes, so they are more comfortable doing what they know where they can control the variables and make sure everything turns out perfectly. If you try something new, you aren’t able to as easily control the outcome and make sure everything is “perfect.” So it comes naturally to perfectionists to avoid risk and fear failure.

Performance = self-worth?

For perfectionists, failure is not an option. If they make one mistake, no matter how small, they are going to beat themselves up for it and feel like a failure. This is incredibly dangerous because it ties performance to self-worth. In the perfectionist’s mind, if they “fail,” they are not good enough. This is part of the reason perfectionists work so hard to achieve so-called perfection. If they can achieve perfection, then they will finally be good enough (in their minds).

Here’s the problem with that toxic mindset: You cannot achieve perfection.

As a perfectionist myself, that is the scariest thing of all to admit. No matter how good of a job you do at something, there is always something you could have done differently that would have made it better or “more perfect.” Plus, we are all imperfect humans, and there’s no getting around that fact. If you cannot achieve perfection, then you will always end up as a “failure” and “not good enough” in your mind if you believe your performance is tied to your self-worth. By continually striving to achieve the unachievable, you will constantly be disappointed and never be satisfied.

One of the hardest things for perfectionists to realize is you are enough, and your failures do not define you.

It is a long road to completely change your thinking and realize that your actions and self-worth are two separate entities, but it is possible. Perfectionists need to realize that just because you make a mistake, that doesn’t mean you are a bad person and unworthy. Just because you “fail” at something doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. You are good enough just how you are. And yes, you are going to make mistakes and fail in life, but you don’t have to let that define you. Untying the bond between performance and self-worth is the first step in combating perfectionism and the ensuing fear of failure.

What even is “failure”?

Failure means different things to different people. It can mean missing a deadline at work. It can mean neglecting to take care of the house. It can mean not getting into the college you wanted. How we define failure is critical in understanding and overcoming fear of failure. The way I look at it, there are very few things you can actually “fail” at. Yes, there are things in life you can objectively fail at, such as a school exam when your score is low enough to be considered “failing” or when you fail to meet a deadline at work. From the outside, yes, those things look like failures. But are they really? Are they so-called “failures,” or are they just mistakes?

Earlier in this article, I’ve put “fail” in quotation marks and also used the word mistake instead because I don’t really believe most things in life can be considered failures. What you consider “failures” are most likely just mistakes. Even just using a different word — mistake instead of failure — completely changes the conversation. If you talk about your “failures,” you are demonizing your self-worth and who you are as a person. However, if you talk about your “mistakes,” you are acknowledging your actions, which are separate from your self-worth. By literally just using the word mistake instead of failure, you are making the positive mind shift of realizing that your actions do not define you. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person.

As a perfectionist, it kills me to make a mistake. When I work on a proposal, for example, I want every little detail of the proposal to be perfect, from using the correct RGB colors to the footer on page 47. I’m that particular – for real. Now of course, it is my job to catch these things and make the proposal look “perfect.” But in the chaotic, deadline-driven world that is proposals, I have made mistakes – and plenty of them. There are never enough hours in the day or time before a client deadline to make sure everything is “perfect.” Plus I already discussed how perfection is unachievable anyway, so striving to achieve perfection is a losing battle from the start.

Now when I make one (or many) of these mistakes, I beat myself up for it and feel like a failure. I feel like I should be able to achieve perfection – inside of insanely tight client deadlines no less. For anyone looking in from the outside, it’s absolutely ridiculous. No one could possibly expect me to do everything perfect under deadline, and no one at my job ever has.

That’s why it’s not about being perfect or striving for perfection; it’s about doing the best you can with what you have.

Now I am slow to buy into the just do the best you can way of thinking because I always think I should be doing better because of my toxic perfectionist attitude always in the back of my mind. The ironic thing is I am always telling my team just do the best you can, yet I am reluctant to accept my own advice. I tell my team time and time again that we just have to work with what we have and make the best of it. We won’t be able to do as good of a job finalizing a proposal if we only have two hours versus two days, so we just have to do our best. Those perfectionists out there have to realize that mistakes are bound to happen because we’re only human, and that’s okay. Accepting your imperfections, especially as a perfectionist, is probably one of the hardest things to do. It’s not easy to let go of the need to control everything and be perfect, but it is the healthiest thing to do. Give yourself a break when you “fail” because honestly, most so-called failures aren’t even that big of a deal.

Now failures/mistakes fall on a spectrum, of course. All failures/mistakes are not equally bad or equally not that big of a deal. Forgetting to buy milk at the store is not the same as forgetting you left your kid in the car in 100-degree weather. I bring up this example to illustrate that yes, failures and mistakes can be a big deal, and you should take responsibility for them. Leaving your kid in the car is a pretty big mistake and one that can be punished legally – and rightfully so. So not all mistakes are forgivable or not that big of a deal. But I find that perfectionists often equate minor mistakes with failure.

For example, if you miss a deadline at work or don’t make it to your kid’s school recital, yes, those are bad things, but they are not things you should feel like a failure for. Everyone makes mistakes, so as long as you acknowledge your mistakes and commit to doing your best to not make them again, no one is going to fault you for them.

Another thing to realize is that it’s not the end of the world if you make a mistake. This might be mind-blowing to some, and for me, it’s still something I’m struggling to accept. For most of us, we don’t work in life or death fields. If I send a proposal out late, yes, it could have negative repercussions for the company because the client might not accept the proposal. But would it be the end of the world? No. Now of course, I’m not saying we should just ignore our mistakes and never worry about making them because it doesn’t matter. But when you let your fear of making a mistake control your life, you are going to live in constant anxiety trying to constantly achieve perfectionism and never being able to because it’s impossible.

The toxicity of comparison

In addition to mistakes, failure can surface in another form: comparison. While we might be able to forgive ourselves for making a minor mistake, such as sending a wrong question to the client, it’s much harder to forgive ourselves for the larger things in our lives that we see as “failures.”

As a perfectionist, I have a laundry list of all the things I have “failed” at in life. The list is plentiful:

• I didn’t leave college debt-free, so I have student loans to pay off.

• I don’t own a house or have kids yet.

• I’m not a successful writer.

• I don’t make enough money.

• I am not where I should be at this point in my career.

• I am “behind” of where I should be in my life.

All of these thoughts lead back to the toxic mindset of comparison. I am comparing myself to other people who are debt-free, have houses and kids, are successful writers, are more successful professionally than me and “have it together.” I feel like a failure by comparison because I’m 25, and I don’t have it all together. What’s toxic about comparison is for one, nothing will ever be enough. There will always be someone more successful than you or that has more than you. This is the same thing as striving to achieve the artificial and unachievable perfectionism. I think if I just achieve these things, I will be happy and fulfilled, but the joke’s on me because even if I do achieve all of these things, it’ll never be enough. I’ll continue thinking I should be more successful no matter how successful I am.

Another reason why comparison is so toxic is because it doesn’t take into account differences in people and their lives. By that, I mean, just because your college roommate has achieved X, Y and Z doesn’t mean you should have achieved those same things. Everyone has their own strengths and unique life paths, so there is no apples to apples comparison. Embrace your uniqueness as a strength, and stop comparing yourself to others you deem as more successful than you.

You are doing the best you can with what you have, and you are enough just how you are.

Why is fear of failure so dangerous?

Fear of failure is so dangerous because it contributes to low self-esteem and low self-worth. Like I mentioned earlier, when you tie your performance to self-worth, you are going to be disappointed in yourself when you “fail.” You are going to think you aren’t good enough. This toxic mindset of not feeling good enough can lead to serious mental health problems, such as depression. You aren’t going to be able to achieve perfection, so it’s a losing battle where all you end up with is constant disappointment and low self-worth.

Another result of fear of failure is anxiety. When you are constantly afraid of failing, you are going to try to put all your effort into making sure you don’t fail. This can result in increased stress and ultimately anxiety when it starts interfering with your daily life. Anxiety can really have a negative impact on your life, including causing even physical health problems. One of the main physical representations of my anxiety is the tension in my neck and back. When I am anxious, I have really bad back pain because of this. Fear of failure is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, especially when it leads to mental and even physical health problems.

How does fear of failure limit your potential?

The main way fear of failure limits your potential is that it makes you unwilling to try new things. In my riding a bike example, I am afraid to fail at it, so I won’t even try. Being able to ride a bike might not have a huge effect on my life, but when you are unwilling to try anything, you are going to find yourself “stuck” in a constant and never-changing cycle, both personally and professionally.

In a professional context, fear of failure can have detrimental effects not only on the business but also on you and your career. Growth comes from doing what makes you uncomfortable, so if you never try new things, you will never grow. Maybe you don’t want to move up the corporate ladder and be a high-powered CEO, but you should still push yourself to grow and be better professionally. For example, maybe you want to learn a new technical skill or software program, but if you are afraid of failing, you’re not even going to attempt it. If you let fear of failure control you, you are letting your fear stop you from pursuing professional growth and success.

Also, when you are afraid to fail, you are going to be resistant to change. With change comes uncertainty and the inability to control the outcome. Perfectionists in particular have difficulty accepting change when it means they might “fail” or not be able to do everything perfectly. When you are resistant to change, you will find it difficult to move up the corporate ladder. You will probably stay just where you are because that’s where you feel comfortable and where you can’t fail, which is fine if you never want to progress your career. Just be careful because a lot of times, you can’t avoid change. Companies and technologies evolve over time, so if you are resistant to any type of change, you might find yourself without a job if you can’t adapt.

Another way in which fear of failure limits your potential is by narrowing your vision. By that, I mean, perfectionists are often focused on the smallest of details and getting those perfect. It often causes them to miss the bigger picture. When you lose sight of the big picture, you can lose your strategic edge. For example, what’s the point of making sure all the commas are correct in a proposal if you don’t even have the correct solution you are pitching? Having the ability to step back and look at things strategically is a key factor that will influence your professional success. Those who are successful and rise to the top are strategic thinkers, not just “doers.”

In addition to narrowing your vision, perfectionists who have a fear of failure have an incredibly difficult time delegating. If you are a manager of a team, you want to ensure your team’s success by making sure every little thing that goes out the door looks perfect. And you have to look at everything to make sure it’s perfect, right? This becomes a real problem when you are unable to delegate to your team and often micromanage what the team does, which is unhealthy not only for you but also for the entire team as well. You have to be able to trust your team that they know what they’re doing and let them do their jobs.

When you fear failure, you also may have a problem with “letting go.” This does come in the form of delegating and letting your team handle things instead of doing everything yourself. However, this also applies to your own work. When you are obsessed with making sure everything is perfect, you are going to waste a lot of time checking and re-checking your work. Now I am not saying don’t be diligent, but be aware of how you are spending your time because time is money. If you let your compulsion for perfection control you, you may even find yourself missing deadlines if you feel like your work is not ready to be released into the world. On a particular proposal, I was so focused on getting all the attachments just right that the deadline ended up being missed. It wasn’t worth missing a deadline just to fix a few attachments to look a little bit nicer – a lesson well learned.

Additionally, like I mentioned earlier, fear of failure can lead to anxiety and depression when it overtakes your life. Of course, this has devastating effects on you and your mental and physical health, but it also can affect your work. When your depression and/or anxiety become too overwhelming, you can enter into what I call “shutdown” mode. You’re so anxious about getting everything done perfectly that it overwhelms you, and you end up getting nothing done. On more than one occasion, I have had to step away from a proposal and have one of my colleagues submit it for me because my anxiety was so overwhelming. These breakdowns can have a serious impact on your well-being and even your work if they constantly interfere with your ability to get things done.

Fear of failure can also have negative effects on your personal life. You are always going to be stuck in your current ways of doing things if you never try anything new or take a risk. You are going to always live where you live now because you are afraid of moving and starting anew. You are going to keep doing the things you always do and never try anything new because you are afraid of failing. You have no idea all the experiences you are missing out on because you are afraid.

Living in fear is no way to live or be happy.

How do you overcome fear of failure?

I’m no expert on how to overcome fear of failure obviously because I’m 25, and I still don’t know how to ride a bike. But hopefully I have some tips you might find useful, and maybe I will even take my own advice.

My first method for overcoming fear of failure is accepting it’s okay to fail. You don’t have to be perfect (and you can’t be), so why even try? Of course, I’m not saying we should just all be slackers and never try at anything. But there is a difference between trying to be the best you can and trying to be perfect. The first one is healthy and realistic; the second one is unhealthy and impossible. This is easier said than done, especially for those of us who beat ourselves up all the time for “failing.” But when we can learn that we are enough just as we are, we can start to accept it’s okay if we fail because our failures do not define us.

My second method for overcoming fear of failure is forgiving yourself for the small stuff. Too often, we concern ourselves with the minor mistakes we’ve made. We need to realize that sometimes, these are just honest mistakes, and that’s okay. We are only human, so it’s inevitable we are going to make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if I submit a proposal with a header in the slightly wrong RGB colors (but it will bug the heck out of me). We have to forgive ourselves for making mistakes. Again, I’m not giving everyone a free pass to recklessly do whatever you want, but instead of dwelling on your mistakes, just work on ensuring you don’t make the same mistakes again.

My third method for overcoming fear of failure is just do it anyway. This is perhaps the most daunting and difficult method for me to accept and practice. So I’m afraid of something, and you’re telling me to just do it anyway? Like it’s just that easy. I know from experience it’s not that easy, but it’s critical in overcoming fear of failure. The more you stop yourself from trying new things, the more you limit your potential.

Let me tell you a story where I practiced all three of these methods and overcame (mostly) one of my fears. Now I told you about how I am afraid of riding a bike, so naturally I am also terrified of riding a horse. I think I had maybe been on a horse a time or two in my childhood while it was just standing there or maybe doing a slow walk. I can’t really remember, but I for sure do not know how to ride a horse at all. So when I was invited to go horseback riding a couple of months ago, I was very reluctant. I was so terrified of riding a horse. My fear of failure was stopping me from trying something new.

For some reason, I reluctantly agreed to go, even saying I didn’t think I would get on a horse when I got there. I’m not sure what I was thinking because why would I even go if I wasn’t planning on getting on a horse? In any case, I got there and was still terrified more than ever. I had my helmet on, the horse was saddled up and it was time to get on. I swear I think I was going to throw up. I am also deathly terrified of heights, so I couldn’t even get on the horse at first, even though I logically know it’s not that high up off the ground.

I really didn’t want to do it, but I did it anyway. And it turned out all right in the end. Sort of. The ride didn’t go all that well because we went trail riding when I had literally no idea what I was doing. I almost fell off the horse, too. That was absolute terrifying. When we got back, I was in tears – naturally – and I vowed I was never going to get back on a horse again. Now I haven’t gotten back on a horse since, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I’m glad I tried it.

As much as it was the seriously most terrifying thing ever, it was a step in the right direction of overcoming my fear of failure. I accepted that it was okay if I failed. It was okay if I didn’t do a good job at it, and I obviously wouldn’t because I had no idea what I was doing. I also forgave myself for the small stuff. It was okay that I was bad at it and upset afterward; that didn’t mean I was a bad or inferior person because my performance isn’t tied to my self-worth. Most of all, despite my crippling fear, I did it anyway. To this day, I honestly can’t believe I even rode a horse because that’s just so not like me to try things I’m afraid of.

It didn’t turn out all that well in the end, but it wasn’t a failure. It was a new life experience that I gained, and I’m grateful for that.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering who is this girl who can attempt to ride a horse but can’t even ride a bike? I still have a lot of work to do in overcoming my fear of failure, but I hope you all join me in this journey of trying. Accept it’s okay to fail, forgive yourself for the small stuff and do it anyway. None of these things are easy to do by any means, but we can begin the journey of overcoming fear of failure if we just take the first step. I’m not sure what that looks like in your life, but maybe it’s about time I learn how to ride a bike.