Why we don’t ask for help (and why that’s a problem)

When you walk into a store, store associates often greet you with “Is there anything I can help you find?” I always say, “I’m just looking,” even when I am looking for something specific and don’t know where it is. I could save myself the time and trouble of wandering the entire store if I could just say, “Yes, there is something I need help with.” But I don’t. Even in a simple situation such as needing help finding something in a store, I don’t ask for help.

My inability to ask for help seeps into the rest of my life. School, work, family, friends, relationships. I think I can do it all by myself. It doesn’t matter how much I stress myself out trying to do it all. I put on a brave face and do it all anyway and never ask for help. But why? Why do I feel like I have to do it all myself? Why can’t I reach out for help when I really need it?

Why we don’t ask for help

Why we don’t ask for help can have many causes. One reason we don’t ask for help is our pride. We feel like if we ask for help, we are admitting we can’t handle things on our own and that hurts our sense of self and self-accomplishments. Another reason we don’t ask for help is that accepting help is often seen as a weakness. If we are strong, we should be able to get by without help, right? So we don’t want to seem weak and need help from others, so we don’t ask for it, even when we need it.

Additionally, our stubbornness can get in the way of asking for help. If we think we know best, we don’t want to admit others can help us, so we push them away. This goes hand in hand with the idea of self-sufficiency and independence — that we don’t want to depend on anyone else, so we refuse to accept help even when it’s offered to us.

Another reason we don’t ask for help is because of comparison logic. We often compare ourselves to others and think well, they have it all figured out and can do it on their own, so I should be able to, too. A final reason we don’t ask for help is that we feel like a failure and not good enough if we can’t accomplish everything on our own without needing help. As a recovering perfectionist, this is the reason I resonate most with.

While this is not an exhaustive list of all the reasons we don’t ask for help, it’s a good start as we look inward and reflect on why we feel like we have to do everything ourselves and why we refuse to reach out for help – at any cost. In the following article, I go through some examples of why I don’t ask for help and why that’s a problem: financially, personally, professionally and emotionally.

Financially

I take great pride in the fact that I don’t depend on anyone else to take care of me financially. I am nearly four years out of college, so you would think this is a given, but a lot of my friends and fellow graduates can’t say the same thing. I’ve never asked for help paying rent or paying back my mountain of student loans. I am proud of the fact that I can support myself.

This example seems perfectly reasonable at face value. You should be able to be an adult and take care of yourself financially. Once you grow up, you shouldn’t depend on other people for food, clothes, housing, etc. So it’s good that I developed this sense of ownership and independence over my personal life. However, by putting this burden and responsibility on myself and myself alone, it has led to undue stress.

I have been extremely lucky with my job, so I’ve never been in a really tough spot where I was in need of money. But it has still been a struggle living alone and paying back my student loans. I’ve put myself through a lot of stress and anxiety figuring out how I was going to pay for everything. But in my mind, it’s not even an option to ask for financial help. Luckily I’ve never really needed it, but if I did, it could be extremely detrimental if I wasn’t willing to ask for help.

For example, I would stress myself out and make my anxiety so much worse, and then I could be in real trouble. Plus I could get myself into debt that could have been avoided had I reached out for help. I have no doubt in my mind that my family would help me out if I needed it, but it’s my own stubbornness and pride that would get in the way.

Financial insecurity is a big contributing factor to anxiety and depression, so I really encourage anyone who is struggling to ask for help, no matter how hard it is. Even if your family can’t help you out financially, they can help you out emotionally. They can help you figure out a way to get your debts in order and then be there for you when you need to talk about it or need a shoulder to lean on.

When you isolate yourself is when you leave the door open for anxiety and depression. All it takes is a slight crack for them to slide their way into your life, and closing that door is harder than you think.

Personally

If you don’t ask for or accept help, you will always be alone. That sounds pretty harsh, but it’s true. Relationships are about give and take, and if you can never take, it will be pretty hard to make things work. I’m not saying you need to be co-dependent on the other person, as that’s not healthy either. But you need to be able to accept help from your partner.

Unsurprisingly, I don’t like accepting help from significant others. It’s so engrained in me to be self-sufficient and independent that I don’t think I need anything from anyone. This attitude makes dating rather challenging. For example, I have a hard time letting other people pay for me. On a first date, if the guy goes to pay for dinner, it makes me uncomfortable. I know it’s just a nice gesture, and I do appreciate it. I’m not some sort of ultra-feminist where I’m offended if the guy pays for me. It’s just contradictory to my nature.

I have gotten better in this regard (sort of). I have let guys pay for me (sometimes). But I am a firm believer in the alternating method where you take turns paying, which I think is a fair way to operate. But it’s not like money is the only issue where I don’t like accepting help in a relationship.

I think I should be able to handle everything myself, so when I am having anxiety, I often have trouble reaching out to my significant other for help. Not only is this unhealthy for me from my own mental health perspective, but it is also unhealthy for the relationship. It pushes the other person away because I won’t let them in. I put up a wall, a division between us that takes the relationship two steps backwards. It’s only when you let that wall down that you will be able to truly build a connection with someone.

Asking for and accepting help in a relationship is a huge deal and something that shouldn’t be taken lightly if you want to avoid the lonely life.

Professionally

I am too ambitious for my own good. I always have been. That’s why when I was offered a manager position a little over a year ago when my former boss was leaving, I jumped at it. I wanted to take the next step and advance my career. I had some experience leading the team in a limited capacity, but I had never been a manager before.

But I didn’t let that stop me. I stepped right up to the plate and faked it until I made it. I may not have been 100% qualified for the position, but I don’t think you have to be for most positions. You can learn and figure out the rest on the job. My confidence in myself and my abilities allowed me to take on a new position, where I would go on to learn so many valuable skills about management and leadership. I am grateful for the experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it was a struggle for me.

The struggle all started with my first decision as a manager: who I hired to replace me. It was the wrong decision, but I didn’t find that out until several months later. The skillset of the new hire just didn’t end up lining up with the requirements of the position, which led to several months of extreme stress and anxiety on my part, as I tried to do it all. I was in constant contact with my boss about the situation, but I put it all on myself to fix the problem. I had made the decision to hire her, so it was my job as a manager to fix it. Even if it killed me. I couldn’t admit that I needed help.

Until one day I set up a meeting with one of my former bosses who I consider a mentor. I remember that call so clearly because it was a breakthrough for me. I talked through the situation with her, and she gave me some advice for what I could do to resolve the situation. At one point, I remember her asking, “Are you crying, Marcie?” I told her “Yes. Yes I am.” Shortly after this admission, I uttered the words I still have trouble saying to this day, “I need help.”

And that’s the day everything changed. She got me help. We figured it out, and within 6 months, I had a new position in which I was ultimately a lot happier. Had I not asked for help, I would most certainly be working for another company now. I had been applying and interviewing for jobs at other companies because I was so unhappy.

But when I asked for help, the help came, and I realized I didn’t have to do it all alone.

Emotionally

It took me the longest time to admit I needed help with my mental health. When I was going through all the stress and anxiety at work last year, I had never thought about getting help from a professional. It took a series of life-changing events and writing a blog post on my anxiety before I would finally admit I needed help. The day after that blog post was published, I signed up for therapy. And that was the best decision I ever made.

I’ve learned ways to cope with my stress and anxiety, and to be honest, I’m a completely different person because of it. I still work very hard at everything I do, but I give myself a break. Now I let things go that I would have otherwise agonized over and stressed myself out about. I have realized that not everything I do has to be perfect (nor can it be), so I just have to do my best and not kill myself trying to attain the ever unattainable goal of perfection.

Of all the examples I have gone over, mental health is the area where I would really recommend asking for help the most. Too often, we keep our problems to ourselves because we don’t want to inconvenience others or admit we have a problem. But it’s TOTALLY OKAY if you need help mentally or emotionally.

It’s not a sign of weakness to talk through things with a therapist or even just a close friend.

Closing thoughts

Whatever your situation may be, the bottom line is it’s okay to ask for help. Not only is it okay, but it’s really necessary in order to live a full life connected to other people. When you don’t ask for help, you isolate yourself from others, which can lead to difficulties in relationships and even mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.

Asking for help is not a weakness. It’s honestly the bravest thing you can do.

I remember clearly the day I told my therapist about that call with my mentor and how I asked her for help. It was a huge breakthrough for me because as a recovering perfectionist, I am programmed never to ask for help. And yet I did. Had I not reached out for help via therapy or with my mentor, I’m not sure where I would be today. I would probably still be a mess of stress and anxiety because I thought I had to do it all on my own. But I don’t have to. There are plenty of people in my life who are willing to help me. All I have to do is ask.

Taking the first step to ask for help may end up changing your life; I know it changed mine.

The funny thing is when I started writing this article, I actually had been to the mall earlier that day. I was looking for a stuffed animal for my baby niece who is going to be born in a couple of months. When I walked into the store, I was greeted with “Is there anything I can help you find?” Out of habit, I responded, “I’m just looking,” even though I was looking for a specific item — the stuffed animal for my niece, and I was unfamiliar with where it would be in the store. She asked me again, “Are you sure there’s nothing I can help you find?” as if she was testing me. This time I answered “Actually there is.”