I wake up in the morning and wait for the rush of racing thoughts to fill my brain. I wait for the swirl to begin: I need to do this, I need to do that, this isn’t done yet, what if this happens. I keep waiting, and the thoughts never come. I feel a sense of calm. My heart isn’t racing. My chest isn’t tight. I can think clearly, without thoughts constantly racing through my brain, for the first time maybe ever. This is the day after I started medication for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

I haven’t always been a “bigger” girl. Back in high school, I ran cross country, and I was average-sized if not straight up skinny. Looking at old pictures, I barely recognize myself. My arms, my face, everything was just so much smaller. I’m not that girl anymore. Now I am the big girl, the plus-size girl, the girl who can’t find clothes to wear because the sizes don’t go up large enough. And I don’t feel great about that.

My eyes pop open. I check my phone, and it’s 1 a.m. I lay in bed on my back, staring at the ceiling. I’m not anxious. I have no racing thoughts or chest tightness or worry about the future. I feel calm. And yet I can’t go back to sleep. After awhile, I get up and start organizing my linen closet. Before I know it, it’s 3 a.m., and I’ve just spent two hours in the middle of the night organizing towels and shampoo backstock. This insomnia is one of the side effects of my mental health medication.